May
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: You may want to know about it some day


_May._

_The first words. The first page for a new life. The one I've always dreamed to have. And there it is. At last. My hand is shaking while I'm writing. The emotion, I suppose. I can feel my heart beating quickly. And this smile on my face.  
I'm happy. As I've never been before.  
I heard the news forty minutes ago. Not even an hour. I can barely tell you what I felt. At that exact moment. It's still very confused in my head. A whirl.  
I just rushed out the building and went straight to that store. And now I'm here, in front of that small notebook. I need to write. To you. Right now. You have to know. Everything. The least detail. The least word. The least feeling.  
I'm alone for the moment. At the office. Grace is going to come back within a minute. Do I have to tell her? Does she have to be the first one ? I don't know. I'm not sure. But she's going to notice it. As soon as she'll have looked at me. Because something happened. I've changed. Forty minutes ago. Thanks to you.  
I won't lie. It's unexpected. We weren't trying anything. Just wishing for. Secretely. I feel like calling him. Now. But it has to be perfect. Not just a phone call, between two clients. I don't want to spoil this moment. I can't. So I'm going to wait. Patiently. I wonder how he's going to react. I'd like you to see him when I tell him.  
I'd like you to see me. Right now. You'll understand, one day. When you're living the same._

_I'm going to put a pic of us, just next to this text. And so you'll have a good reason to make fun of us when you look at it. We're still young. While I'm writing. I hope we'll always be. In our hearts.  
I want to take a pic of the evidence. And put it too in this notebook. It's the first thing I've got from you, after all.  
I've been knowing you for only forty minutes. But you're already the person I love the most on earth._

_I love you._

_June._

_Wherever I go, whatever I do, I always have this notebook with me. I've been carrying it for a month, now. And you a little more.  
I told them the exact evening I knew for you. For us. Finally I decided to share it with everybody. Not just him. Yes it was a personal moment. So important in a relationship. But as you know, Jack and Grace are not simple friends for me. We're so much more. They're my family. The one I've always wanted to have.  
And Will the only man I really love.  
They stayed still for over a minute when I told them. Quiet. Astonished. I had even been afraid in front of this lack of reaction. What ? Was there something wrong ? Did that sound ridiculous ? No, not for me. It was perfectly logical. Right.  
They're all so sweet with me. You should see Jack. Calling every five minutes to be sure it's allright and we're fine. Grace is… I don't know. I guess she's fascinated by the situation. And dying for the same. I'm sure she'll end up meeting with the right one too. As I did with Will. _

_So as I've just said we're fine. You and I. I'm tired but it's normal. I've moved out. Definitely. To his flat. I don't know whether we'll always be there when you read these lines so I took some pics of this place I love so much.  
It's small but friendly. I feel safe there. With him. With you. With them. I still can't see you, there's no really evidence. That's frustrating. I'm looking forward to meeting you. At last. But I know you're here, with me. That's the most important._

_Lots of kisses._

_July._

_You're killing me, honey. That's awful. Summer has arrived and it's swelteringly hot now. I feel sick during the whole day. Because of you. I'm looking for fresh air as soon as I feel dizzy. But there's not. Bloody city !  
We're going to go out of town for a few weeks. Together. I need a peaceful place to rest. I can't bear New York anymore. What a pain… I do love this city. But those smells, this weather. I can't hold anymore.  
We're going to go to an island. Seaside. No noise. Only the murmur of the waves and the sound of the wind in the trees. That's perfect. I'm sure you'll love it.  
I let a large place to put the pictures of our summer. The first one with you. As you can see you're still invisible ! But already present in our lives._

_We're on the island. At last. The travel has been long and exhausting. But as soon as I saw the sea, the boats, the lighthouse, I knew we were going to feel happy here.  
Yesterday we went for a walk, Will and I. The view from the cliffs is breathtaking. It's so beautiful. We finally went down to a beach and stayed there for a few hours. Sat on the sand, his arms around me, my head leant on his shoulder. And our eyes closed. Listening to the seagulls and the waves coming and going a few steps farer.  
I want to come back here every summer. I want this place be yours. As it is mine. I'm spending the best summer I've ever had.  
Yes I feel sick, sometimes. And tired. But so happy. Relieved and safe._

_Till soon, sweetie._

_August._

_I've seen you ! At last… I was so nervous, so impatient. He was with me. Next to me. Holding my hand, smiling. Like me.  
Grace wanted to come but she couldn't. And Jack is in California for a while. How I miss him… !  
I didn't cry when I saw you. You know, like in the movies. They always cry. I didn't. I guess I was too moved to, actually. That's so strange. Fascinating. I don't feel anything. Nothing special. But you're there however. And fine.  
Sometimes, when I'm alone, I feel lost. And afraid. What if… I shouldn't think about it. But there's always a possibility. And after. How could we be sure I'll do the right things ? At the right moment ? I'm scared. To hurt you. It's a big responsability and I don't know if I'm strong enough to face it.  
I told Will about it. Last night while I couldn't fall asleep. We were on the terrace, looking at the stars shining on the sky. A soft breeze in the air. He feels the same. Does it have to be reassuring ? I don't know… But at least I'm not the only one._

_There's your first picture, that I can't stop brushing with my fingers whenever I see it._

_September._

_You love chocolate. It's obvious. And my hips are suffering now because of you. So thank you ! I'm still very tired but not sick anymore. Thank God. We replaced my chair with a comfortable armchair at work. It's heaven. I'm going to keep it then. After. I don't know how long I'll stop working. Or better going to work (you should understand one day what I really mean). But I want to stay there. With Grace. I could barely live without the office. The clients. It's another world here. And I love it.  
You may come with me at the beginning. And then… We'll see. Just because you're here now doesn't mean things have to change. Our lives. I don't want to. Of course some things will be different. But not the most important ones. The main lines.  
It's what I said to Gracie a few days ago. We had a girl weekend. It was great. We hadn't had that for a long time. We went for shopping because I needed new clothes. Of course. You and chocolate… And while we were talking in the evening, sat on her couch, we came up with that.  
« I don't want it change »  
She said it suddenly. In the middle of the conversation. She was afraid. Worried. I promised her it wouldn't do. That we would always be together. Like now. That I couldn't imagine living in another way. She didn't have to worry. Because I didn't want it change. Either. I guess I will always remember that moment. Between us. The most moving for me. And for her too, I imagine._

_There you have some new pictures. From that weekend with Gracie. With Jack when he came back.  
With Will._

_I love you so much._

_October._

_You scared me last night. I woke up suddenly, sure there was something wrong. It hurt. It couldn't be now. It's too early. I was panicked. I couldn't help crying.  
Will had been amazing. So strong. So mature. Responsible. We rushed to the hospital. He stayed with me while we were waiting our turn. He tried to convince me it was nothing. That everything was fine. His presence reassured me. A bit. I know he was as afraid as me but just pretended the contrary. For me.  
After a few hours of an anxious wait, we had been relieved. You're fine. It's normal and can happen at this stage.  
It made me realize how I need him. To go on. And how I love you. I don't want to lose you. Please, make this deal. With me. For me. Don't go. Never before me.  
We're going to have dinner now. All of us, together. I'm lay on the sofa, listening to Grace speaking to Will about a guy she has just met (please God, help her… That's more and more pitiful). He's cooking in the kitchen. There's a delicious smell of chicken in the living. Jack is reading you a story. His own story, of course. That you know by heart now. Like everyone._

_I'm happy and fine, like you.  
Thank you, sweetie._

_November._

_The winter has arrived. It's so cold outside. But I like it. It has always been my favorite season. It's magic. With all that snow falling. I do go for a walk in the streets. I know you love it too. I feel it. You tell me it.  
We're learning from each other, more and more. Day after day. I've got no secrets for you. Nor you for me… I know your favorite meal, the one you hate. You're happy when you listen to John Lennon, you can't bear when Grace wears orange (this point makes me feel proud of you).  
I think this picture is one my favorites. In this notebook. In black and white. Will took it, during one of our Sunday mornings. We've got some… Rituals now. On weekend we stay in bed all the morning and speak to you. About us. The weather. The last movies we've watched. Anything. We love these moments because it's when we have this feeling you're with us. Forever.  
Next month it'll be Christmas. The last one before you come. I'm nostalgic. A little bit. I know the others that have to come will be even better. But a part of me is sad because I know I'm going to miss this period of our life.About to end up. These last years have been amazing. I've got so many souvenirs of them. I will never forget those days.  
The first time I met Jack. My first day at work with Grace. The first time I kissed Will.  
It's all in my mind. In my heart.  
But I'm ready for this new life. With you._

_Looking forward to huging you._

_December._

_I'm fat. I hate it. But I can't help my hand picking chocolates out of the box. And eat, over and over. Oh my god… I look like Grace ! At least I have a good reason to.  
As I have expected, Christmas has been moving. You've got a lot of presents, which is unfair because you're not there. As I can barely moved from the couch we stayed here. Will, Jack, Grace and me. Like on this picture, on the next page.  
We all want to see you. It's so long. I wonder how you are. Whom you look like. Grace and Jack are even more exciting than Will and I. You should see them, it's priceless. They don't stop buying and buying. You've got already more clothes than me.  
Grace loves you so much. You make her dream and smile. She's beautiful when she does. She likes speaking to you. During hours and hours. She's proud of you and want you know you'll always be happy with her._

_I had a surprise this morning. From them._

_Your room.  
Grace worked on it secretely. It's all perfect. Exactly what I wanted. The furniture, the colors, the materials… I'm going to spend a lot of time there, waiting for you. We took a pic before it's all messed up. I was so moved. You can't imagine. Not only because it was coming from my best friend, my best girlfriend, but because it's another step towards you. You're not so far anymore.  
That's scaring. Are we ready ? And awesome… We want to meet you._

_Just tell me when you want and I'll be there. I'll always be there for you. Always._

_January._

_Two o'clock in the morning. You woke me up at two o'clock in the morning. I immediately understood. I was going to see you. At last.  
I would like to reassure you but… It hurt. And pretty bad. It's not a question of breathing. That's false. Now I can say it's a lie. It's just long and painful.  
We called Jack and Grace on our way to the hospital. I guess my screams scared them and so they were there before us._

_The last hours are the longest. Minutes seem to pass slowly. So slowly. They stayed with me till you decide to come into our life._

_My eyes were closed when I heard you for the first time. Will was there of course. Next to me. I almost broke his hand that night. It wasn't a so good idea from him to suggest I hold it if I wanted.  
I'll always remember the heat of your body. Against me. When they put you on my chest. You were so short. A little thing. But alive.  
Our daughter. You were us. We were parents. Your parents.  
My heart was beating quickly. That powerful feeling was possessing me. You know, when you've found out the right person. The one you love so much. And you're so happy. But scared meanwhile just thinking you could lost him. One day.  
You were shivering. I brushed your hair, your arms. Your small hands.  
I looked at Will, your father. And I suddenly realized how lucky I was.  
There. Being with you and your father. The two people I love the most._

_You're sleeping now. Just next to me. Grace and Jack have just gone. It's our very first moment together, just you and me. I'm in that bed, in the hospital. I'm tired but I want to finish it before falling asleep. Holding your sweet hand with my fingers._

_The notebook is over. The last lines. The last words. Your life has just begun. While I write these last sentences. I don't know when I give it to you. When you are old enough to understand. To realize. All these months, these feelings. Perhaps a special occasion. Maybe the day you'll have your own first child. I don't know. I'm just waiting for the right moment._

_I want to thank you for all the things you have already done and all the rest that has to come. Welcome to the world, May.  
We love you so much.  
Your parents,  
Karen and Will._

_Oh, and another thing. If you wonder why we named you May, just look at the beginning of that book.  
And the very first word I wrote thinking about you. _


End file.
